Memo to Dick Vitale

Dear Dick,

Please shut up. You have made it nearly impossible for me to watch NCAA basketball in which you commentate. I had to turn off the ACC tournament because of your annoying voice and your innane comments. You completely ruined both the FSU/Duke and UNC/BC games for me. I had to play XBox and tune into the game only occassionally to get the score but I couldn't stand watching.

I am tired of hearing you talk about Duke and Coach K when they are not on the court. I am tired of hearing about the ACC during other conferences games. I do not care if J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison are your top two choice for player of the year if they are not on the court. I do not care that you think Sheldon Williams is the greatest player alive. If I am watching UNC/BC, I do not want to hear about Duke or Gonzaga or any other team for more than a second. Please focus on the game in which you are watching.

I will agree with you that the alternate possession rule on jump balls is bad. However, I do not want to hear your opinion on it every time there is a jump ball. I know your opinion. Thank you for sharing the first 1,000 times. Stop it now.

Quit lobbying for coaches to get jobs. Do you think that you mentioning that they are a good assistant coach on tv is going to get them an interview? Thanks for the compliment to some of the coaches but please stop it. I think that if I were an A.D. and you recommended a coach to me, I would mark them off my list.

Please stop using phrases like PTPer (Prime Time Player), Diaper Dandy and Maalox Masher. I am tired of them. The fact that you must use at least two of the three phrases every game at least 12 times drives me crazy. Thus, I must mute you.

It's not too late for you though, Dick. Come out of the closet as a true disciple of Coach K and quit pretending to be unbiased. Come out and explain to the CBB fans that every time you take to the air, you are a talking head for the Duke recruiting program and end the suspicion. And then, call only Duke home games except for UNC/Duke which should be called by normal commentators so the general public can watch.

I implore you to follow my advice. If you love college basketball as much as you say you do, you will.